Draft Reform We Can Get Behind! Adam Silver Proposes New “Just Throw a Bunch of Fuckin Melons in a Pool with the Players Names On ‘Em” Draft System

In a move to help combat the persistent problem of tanking in the NBA, Adam Silver is set to announce a new proposal for lottery reform in the league, titled “Just Throw a Bunch of Fuckin Greased Up Watermelons in a Pool with the Players Names on ‘Em.”  The first major lottery reform in decades, the plan would mark a bold shift in how players are drafted into the league, and it has been met with both support and criticism from fans and team executives alike.

The proposal, which was provided to Jack ‘Em Up by anonymous sources in the league office, is a massive departure from the current lottery system that has been in place in for decades.  Currently, the odds of achieving the #1 pick are highest for the team with the worst record during the previous season, and become lower down to the last team left out of the playoffs.  However, under the new plan endorsed by Silver and the league office, every team would instead have an equal chance of drafting any given player. This excerpt from the report provides the main details of the proposed draft reform.  

“So, we take a bunch of watermelons, like 60 or 80 or something.  We get a sharpie and write the names of each of the players on em.  Then after that we roll em around real good in a bag barrel of crisco or something like that and just toss em in a big ass pool.  We change the city each year for the pool and charge some schmucks like 50 bucks to watch, fill the stands with the players on the melons and their families, all that shit.  Once they get to the bottom of the pool, we fire off a gun and all the GMs gotta just get in there and fight for em.  First guy out of the pool with a melon, drops it on their table, they got the guy.”

Many owners and executives are praising the decision, particularly Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who spoke to us on the record for the story. “I love this idea.  Tanking has become a huge problem in our league, and removing the incentive to lose will be great for the competitiveness fans crave game to game.  Also, Donnie [Nelson, Mavericks General Manager] has been throwing a big watermelon party in his backyard for years.  No one in the league is more ready than we are for this proposal to take shape.”  

Another fan of the proposal is Bill Duffy, agent for expected lottery pick Luka Doncic, saying “My client has no interest in playing for the Kings, and it’s been pretty well known throughout league circles for years that Vlade [Divac, General Manager for the Sacramento Kings] can’t hold a melon for shit.  I know, you’d think he could with those big paws, but dudes got butter fingers like you wouldn’t believe.”  

Richard DeVos, owner of the Orlando Magic has already come out against the plan.  When reached for comment, he replied through an email tirade, saying “I’ve been holding onto these goddamned Shaq ping pong balls for years and you’re gonna fucking make them worthless over some goddamned fruit?  Not on my watch, Silver.”  It was unclear if he thought he was replying to Silver directly, as he levied personal attacks against the league commissioner throughout the email, in one instance calling him a “bald fuck who couldn’t tell his own shiny ass head from a mirror.”

No matter what ensues over the next few weeks, Jack ‘Em Will be sure to keep you posted as we learn more about the negotiating process.  League officials are hoping to enact the plan by mid-July, adding “it’s the best season for melons.  Oh yeah, of course we’re eating them!  It’s like half the point!”  

Update:  Jack ‘Em Up has received intel that, in preparation for future GM positions, Sam Hinkie has been using the patented Ball Hog gloves to help strengthen his grip, practicing underwater breath retention techniques, and has been using analytics and tracking data in order to find the most efficient means to travel to and grip a watermelon underwater. 

Lavar Back at it Again! Big Baller Brand to Sponsor Historic Summit Between President Trump and North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un

In a shocking twist, it was announced early this morning that Big Baller Brand will be sponsoring the historic summit between President Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.  After what have been described as “weeks of negotiations”, all three sides have finally reached an agreement on the deal, which Lavar Ball describes as “the most important sponsorship deal since Sonny Vaccaro signed Jordan.  Never Lost!”

According to leaked documents from the deal, acquired by Jack ‘Em Up through unnamed sources, Kim Jong Un will wear an outfit featuring multiple pieces of Big Baller Brand apparel.  Most important to sneaker heads, Kim will be sporting a pair of Melo Ball 1’s during the summit, featuring a custom, one of a kind colorway based on the flag and design of the DPRK flag.  On top of the sure to be fire sneakers, Kim will also be outfitted with a custom pin-striped suit jacket, which we’re told will prominently feature the iconic “BBB” initials.  

As for Big Baller Brand’s participation in the agreement, Lavar has agreed to let his youngest son, LaMelo, play in the inaugural season of the Democratic People’s League, a new league intended to bring professional basketball to the isolated North Korea. LaMelo, 16, will be playing point guard for the Pyongyang Supreme Leaders, and is sure to immediately be the breakout star of the league.  “My son gonna be the best damn player North Korea ever seen,” said Lavar, “ain’t none of these guys gonna be able to stop him!”  When asked about the move during a Lakers pre-draft workout, Lonzo Ball, LaMelo’s older brother, stated he is “excited to see Melo play against some grown men.  Think it’ll be great for his draft stock when he’s ready for the NBA.”  LaMelo himself, speaking on the record to Jack ‘Em Up, added “wait, Dad did what?”  LiAngelo Ball, the middle brother of the Ball family, not be reached for comment after tragically falling off the face of the Earth upon declaring for the 2018 NBA draft.  

Lastly, Trump himself is also taking part in the sponsorship.  He will wear a custom wig for the event, which is rumored to have “Big Baller Brand” written in red white and blue across his combover.  The President will also wear a tie featuring a portrait of Lavar himself.  While admitting they’ve had differences in the past, Trump seemed excited about the historic deal, saying “Lavar and I have, I know we’ve have had our problems, I know, I know, but it’s in the past now.  He and I, Lavar and I, we have so much in common.  So, so much.  Never lost, he always says that, never lost.  I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve also never lost a general election.  Never!  You see, we have an electoral college system in America, and I won it, I beat crooked Hillary.  You should’ve seen the looks, the sad looks on her faces and her friends, pathetic.  So sad.”  This rant continued for several hours, and unfortunately had to be condensed for our article.

So, what was already shaping up to be a historic moment in world history has only become a bigger spectacle with the addition of the Ball family.  Jack ‘Em Up is excited to see what happens in the negotiations, and will you keep you updated with the latest news on the Big Balling Summit.  

2018 NBA Finals: Predictions for Game 3

After a close game in Q Arena, the Cavaliers will be up 2 with 10 seconds left, Lebron has a 60/15/12 game, Jeff Green has 11,10, and 9.  In the waning seconds he takes a layup on his own basket to get the rebound for the Ricky Davis style triple double, but it accidentally goes in, sending the game to overtime.  

In OT, Steph shoots 7/7 from 3, shattering the record for 3s in an overtime period and 3s in a game at 19.  After the game, Jeff Green is conspicuously absent from the stage pressers.  The next day he’s reported as not attending shoot around.  A search begins, but nothing is ever found.  Being the great guy he is, Lebron offers to help raise his children, and puts them through their education as if they were his own.  

Green is found 22 years later coaching high school in rural Montana under the name “Lou Blackman”, after one of his players recognizes him from a YouTube compilation titled “Shaqtin a Fool Greatest Hits: 2010 HD”, featuring the obligatory, even in 2040, commercial for Ball Hog Training Gloves.  

After repeatedly denying being Jeff Green, he eventually caves to the media pressure.  When pressed about why he disappeared, he only offered this vague answer: “It was either me or my kids.  Someone had to disappear. I couldn’t let it be them.  I’m so sorry.”  

There’s an outcry to impeach President James from what remains of the Republican Party, now known as the Trump Union, who in 2040 control the Congress.  They manage to get a successful vote to indict Lebron for threats and kidnapping, but in a move ironically inspired historically by Trump himself in 2019, Lebron pardons himself.  In a public ceremony on the newly constructed “Mike Miller Court”, a basketball court build on the White House lawn named after James’ education secretary, Lebron dunks over two Supreme Court justices as he announces the decision.  Vice President Dwayne Wade applauds from the grass.  David Griffin watches from an orbiting space prison on a television set to only broadcast White House-approved programming.  Due to technology developed at the end of Lebron’s career to keep his body in playing shape, the wealthy are now to able to live seemingly forever.  James used this technology to insure Griffin serves an indefinite prison sentence, given to him by a James-appointed federal judge for the crime of “disrespecting the President.”  He will never know death, he will only know the white walls he is imprisoned within, and the brief news he receives through the television, which he will never be able to know is true or false.

Green’s children, who have at this point adopted the last name “James” as a tribute to their adoptive father, never comment publicly outside of one pre recorded video which seems to be shot in an unfinished basement, in which they praise James and claim to have no interest in seeing their biological father.  No one is sure if it’s coerced, but no one seems to care.  The economy is booming, the annexation of Canada is going faster than expected, and unemployment is at a historical low due to the public works projects commissioned by James to have statues of himself built across both America’s mainland and its territories in the Middle East and South Asia.  

God bless America